Mr. Funny Pants by Michael Showalter

Author:Michael Showalter [SHOWALTER, MICHAEL]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Biography & Autobiography, Humor, Entertainment & Performing Arts, General
ISBN: 9780446563604
Google: BBreORVm12cC
Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
Published: 2011-02-22T20:54:10+00:00

Look, there is nothing more brutal than breaking up and there are no simple solutions. It hurts. It hurts and there’s nothing you can do about it. However, if you’re really struggling, I do have a few suggestions for how to get over the relationship as quickly as possible.

Have your memory erased. This is not an easy procedure and to my knowledge it’s actually not really a procedure at all. That said, if you can do it—do it. Nothing will help you move on more quickly than to have your entire memory erased. Granted, there are pitfalls: You won’t know who you are anymore. Then again, did you ever really know who you were? Did you really like antiquing? Or did you just do it because she did? Did you really like Norah Jones? Or were you just saying that?

Move to a foreign country. Again, not easy. I hear that they have excellent universal health care in Denmark. Just a thought. Some might say: “Wherever I go, there I am.” But some might also say, “Wherever I go, I get to distract myself from myself for at least a few months before the startling reality of my own misery hits me and then I can just move again.” I hear that Costa Rica has beautiful beaches.

Here’s one: Get a lobotomy. Extreme? Yes. Effective? Very. Good news: You will no longer feel the daily heartbreak of the breakup. Bad news: You’ll be a vegetable. (Hopefully you’ll be a cool vegetable, though, like celery root or bok choy. If you’re a crappy vegetable like eggplant or turnip, that would suck.)

Why not get frozen in ice? This way you can emerge from the ice a few hundred years from now and she won’t even be alive anymore. She’ll be dead! Long dead. You couldn’t get back together with her even if you tried. She died years ago from old age, her husband at her side. He loved her and she loved him back, and they were rich and happy and had many, many children because they loved having so much sex with each other but also because they loved building a family and they had many grandchildren too, all of whom were well-adjusted and attended either Ivy League schools or at least really good schools as good as Ivy League schools, like Duke and Stanford. Some of the grandkids were musicians and went to conservatories. Obviously you will need to adjust to the new society because you’ll be living in the future—and you’re now viewed as a FREAK—but at least you’re not sad about the breakup anymore.

Perhaps you could join a cult and get brainwashed. Again, all of these suggestions have an upside and a downside. The upside of joining a cult is that your attention will be diverted away from how you’re feeling about being dumped; the downside of joining a cult is that you will have joined a cult.

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